"So I'll see you in a couple days then."

I think my Oncologist loves me.

She asks me to come in every other day for a visit. Each time I go in, it's a $20 co-pay. I'm thinking about telling her that I can no longer see her like this anymore. We need some time apart. We have separate lives and we need to live them and not be so codependent on each other. Plus I hate going in there. It's expensive, they always want to take blood, and they're stuck in a "Golden Girls" decorating time-warp.

I walk in and the front desk staff says, "Hello Deanna! Whatcha here for today?" And I usually answer, "I have no idea really." And I sit in a teal vinyl waiting room chair that has a large floral pattern on it and watch Regis and Kelly/Ellen/The View whilst waiting to be wisked to the lab for vitals and blood draw by the friendly lab ladies - who also love me. After lab they take me to one of the rooms to wait for Dr. Matthews. Dr. Matthews is my Oncologist. She looks like a librarian/teacher and wears sensible shoes. After about a twenty-minute wait, she asks me how I'm feeling (my answer is always "Eh") and then she tells me if my white blood cell count/blood pressure/other stuff is okay. Afterwards she puts me up on the table and checks my throat and my breathing. Then she'll look through a large pile of papers (all about me) and kind of flip through them and make sounds like, "mmm hmm" and "okaaay...". Meanwhile I'm thinking I could have used that $20 on dinner... a shirt.... some gas....

I'll get my 3rd round of chemo next Tuesday. But Dr. Matthews wants to see me before I go in so I can fork over another $20. After this round I'll have 5 more and then I'm done. The chemo is still sucking but at least they've figured out how to give me meds without putting me in the hospital. I go in for a few hours of chemo, then the next day I go in for my shot which helps my white blood cell count go up quicker, then the next day I go in for fluids and nausea meds and then I'm in sick in bed for a couple of days. This is considered my "sick week." After the two days in bed, I can get up and drag myself around and sit in a chair. A couple of days later, my "good week" starts. Then I go back for chemo and it starts over again. "Sick weeks" are marked on the calendar next to the computer so we can schedule outings/gatherings accordingly, as in "We'll have to do Thanksgiving a week early this year 'cause it falls on my SICK WEEK," that sort of thing.

As far as how I'm feeling, I'm never 100% anymore. I'm usually at about 85% on a good week. Like right now I have mouth sores and some nausea. But I'm still meeting a friend for dinner tonight and going out to see Broken Stone afterward. I can't stay for all three sets like I used to 'cause I get a little tired, but I like to get out when I can. I haven't been wearing my wig. I'll usually wear a blue bandana that my friend Jill says makes me look like a "biker chick." People stare at me or do double-takes but thankfully I'm a Leo and adore attention. Except excessive attention from my Oncologist.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

So I was in the bathtub tonight, washing my hair and here's what I saw when I looked down at my hands:



Yeah, I yelled for Jim to come in and take a picture 'cause it was just so surreal. I just kinda sat there staring for a minute. And then I did it again like five more times and it kept happening. So Jim got my razor and shaved my head for me and now I look like Uncle Fester:



Yeah so that's me just laying down on the bed afterward, thinking things over. Notice the non-smile. I don't think I like being bald. Jim thinks it's funny 'cause I didn't mind having the buzz cut. But that's because I looked all hip like Natalie Portman in "V for Vendetta" and now I look like Uncle Fester. The only thing missing is the lightbulb in my mouth. Jim tells me it doesn't look bad. ??? Gah.

Just checkin' in...

A lot of folks have been asking how I'm doing so I thought I'd post a blog update and let you know what's going on. You may recall that my Onc is giving me an extra week inbetween chemo dose #1 and #2 so that I can heal up from all the crap I went to the hospital for a week ago. This is really cool because I'm feeling really good and instead of one good week, I feel like I'm getting two. I feel fine right now - everything seems back to "normal."

Let me tell ya something about chemo. It really screws you up. Not only does it make you physically sick but it drains you emotionally. When I was sick, it was REALLY hard for me to smile or laugh. I remember I cried a lot and this is unusual for me. But I would pretty much be sitting there and then I'd think of something and the tears would just start to fall. It was so strange. I was begining to think I was depressed and needed anti-depressants or something! But now that I feel better and I'm having my "good week" I'm not like that at all. I'm laughing and smiling like nothing happened. So if I see you during the "sick phase" and you make me cry - don't panic.

I met with my PS today about the expanders. You may recall that I WANTED THEM TAKEN OUT ASAP BECAUSE THEY'RE DRIVING ME INSANE. She told me that the pain is most likely coming from the surgical scars and swollen tissue - not the expanders at all. To prove it she pressed on them and lo and behold I didn't really feel it. So instead of taking them out, she added another 60 cc's of saline to each expander. I feel fine. She told me that I'm sore in the morning because I'm laying flat and all the blood is settling in the area and I get swollen, etc.. So I felt better after I left her office and I've decided to just live with the discomfort. And no, they didn't blow up like balloons when she added the saline. 'Cause Jim was watching and said they didn't. (Jim wants me to get squeakers in my foobs. *ronk RONK!*)

I have another Onc appt next Tuesday (which also happens to be me and Jim's 9th wedding anniversary). I'll probably have chemo dose #2 the next day and be sick over the weekend of the 12th. The nausea may be cut down this time. I got some really expensive drugs ($100 a pill!) to combat the nausea. Don't worry - my insurance co-pay was only $20! Speaking of which, my bathroom has turned into a pharmacy. I have so many bottles of drugs that I have to write on the cap in black marker what they are. For example, my Ambien (sleeping pills) are marked, "zzzz." Quick reference! (Well hey, YOU try reading all those bottles everyday!)

Anyway thanks to all of you guys for offering your support and just generally checking up on me. I'm totally digging all of this special treatment. I was watching Broken Stone last weekend at Marly's, and my friend's boyfriend actually stood at the bar for like an hour just to get me a water. So yeah, I've got lots of friends and family that are looking after me. :) Thank you, guys! *GROUP HUG*